


Unsolicited Dicks

by Tindomerelhloni



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale gets a dick pic text, Crack Fic, Funny book titles, Just a bit of fun, M/M, Silly, don't take this seriously, roughly edited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:39:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27130558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tindomerelhloni/pseuds/Tindomerelhloni
Summary: Aziraphale has a new phone number and he keeps receiving texts meant for the old owner of that number. Unfortunately for the Angel, the texts are dick pictures. Fortunately for us, he responds.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 92





	Unsolicited Dicks

**Author's Note:**

> [Translation to Spanish here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27753361) by jessevaldfond
> 
> Okay so this is my first dabble in writing ANYTHING other than Sherlock fanfiction. My life has hit me hard... as some of my readers know. Been out of work for 3 months with a back injury, had surgery... healing process has been slow. THEN yesterday I find out that my job has fired me. So I needed something funny in my life. I remembered a funny tweet I had seen years ago, and managed to find the pictures. I don't know if this tweet is the original credit for what I've used here, but its as far back as I can trace it  
> https://twitter.com/maellevie/status/790217085318115328?s=20
> 
> Please just enjoy this for what it is, a silly crack fic that I wrote in less than 30 minutes and didn't bother to edit. I just wanted to have fun, and be as silly as possible.

Aziraphale put his mobile phone down on the table and uttered a soft scoff. Crowley looked up from _ Talk to Your Plants, and Other Gardening Know-How I learned from Grandma Putt  _ by Jerry Baker. 

“Another one?” Crowley asked, glancing from his Angel to the mobile phone. “Just change your number, Heaven won't notice a miracle that small”

“Two, this time. Do you want to see?” Aziraphale reached for his phone but Crowley stopped him with a short hiss, his tongue forking and darting out from between his teeth.

“Just change your number, Heaven won't notice a miracle that small.” Picking the book back up he glared at the pages snarling, “Worst five pounds I’ve spent since 1875. He doesn’t mention threatening them once.”

“What should I do, Crowley? Should I reply?” Aziraphale opened the text again and cringed at the picture.

“Certainly. If you want to see more of their dick, reply away, Angel.” Crowley said, then added with a smirk, “Send them one back, or I can, if you’d like.”

“Send them what?” Looking up from the image he glanced across the table at his best friend then blanched as the implication set in. “Send them one back? Crowley! Even for a demon that is nasty.”

“Whatttt…” Crowley whined and looked up again. He folded back the corner of his page to mark his place, much to Aziraphale’s dismay, then put the book down. “God went and made people with genitals, and they went and turned them into this big taboo… _thing_. Either block the number, change  _ your _ number, or retaliate, Aziraphale.” 

“I could… teach them a lesson.” Looking down at his mobile again he scrolled through the text thread from an unknown number. Since getting this new number two weeks ago, after Gabriel had gotten ahold of the last one, he’d been getting dick pictures from the sender nearly daily. “A bit of divine punishment.”

“Yes, good, good. Do you have a different book? One that has a bit more… shouting?” Crowley stood, reaching for his wine glass and the dog eared book and getting unsteadily to his feet.

“Have you tried  _ Stop Talking to Your Plants and Listen  _ by Elvin McDonald, it’ll be on that shelf, under M.” Aziraphale pointed to the shelf that held the few books on gardening he’d collected over the years. “And do stop folding the pages, or I shan’t invite you over again.” 

“M… as in M for McDonald. Never would have figured that one out, clever boy.” Crowley slithered off, taking his wine and forfeited book with him, calling over his shoulder, “Yes you will, invite me back, that is. You always do.”

“That’s him told…” Aziraphale smiled fondly after his demon as he did his best to file the first book back on the shelf somewhere under P. “Now what to do about you... Sir Dick?” 

Cringing again he looked over the text thread. The person on the other end had sent two separate pictures of their penis this time, not just one. Each had been taken from a different angle, neither of them flattering in the least bit. It occurred to him then, that the person on the other end was under the impression that they were texting someone else entirely, and that the pictures were not meant for his eyes. 

_ Better me than someone else, I suppose. Still, one should learn that sending unsolicited genital pictures isn’t the way to go about a conversation.  _

**I think you have the wrong person. I just acquired this number, and since then have been getting pictures of your penis. If you need to talk, or need …**

_ No…. that’s not right…  _ Aziraphale deleted what he’d typed out then an idea came to him. With a grin, and a little wiggle, he settled into his chair and began to type.

**Dear Sender,**

**Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration. We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time.**

**However, for a nominal fee we can offer you a report that will help you to change that.**

**The A4 report, provided via postal service, will include personalised booklets that cover the following:**

**-Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (A step by step guide to saying hello)** **  
** **-How to appear as though you weren’t raised by wolves  
** **-Better ways to deal with your sexual frustration  
** **-How to dress your penis for social media (A rough guide to pants)  
** **AND  
** **-Penis Reading: A new form of palmistry that may help you unlock the key to your future**

**We will also answer questions you might have such as:** **  
** **-Do I have too much time on my hands?  
** **-Why did my penis fail basic standards of quality control?  
** **(Note: The number one reason for this occurring is that it is attached to a bigger dick than itself.)**

**Finally, as a gesture of goodwill we intend to offer free samples with all your future penis portrait submissions:** **  
** **An inventive critique of your “pride & joy”  
** **AND** **  
** **A surprise consultation with your closest available family member about your portfolio.**

**We trust this exciting offer is acceptable and look forward to working with you in the near future.**

**-Yours Faithfully, Wrong Number** **  
** **(And do stop texting people pictures of your penis.)**

With an elegant flourish of his right index finger, Aziraphale hit the  _ send _ button and placed the mobile back down on the table. Feeling quite pleased with the text, and sincerely hoping the other person might learn a thing or two.   


Chuffed as he was, he had a book to finish. As Crowley sat back down at the table Aziraphale picked  _ How to Avoid Huge Ships _ by John W. Trimmer back up from the table. Pointedly maintaining eye contact with the demon he took out his bookmark and placed it on the table beside his mobile.

“I gave you one, use it.” Fixing his spectacles so they sat evenly he rolled his eyes and turned back to the book.

“You gave me a palm leaf, not a bookmark.” Crowley griped. “That’s hardly a bookmark.” 

“Says the one reading books about plants.” 

**Author's Note:**

> All book titles used are real books, and I highly suggest you check out the reviews for "How to Avoid Huge Ships" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4563201-how-to-avoid-huge-ships
> 
> I hope at the very least this has given you a laugh.


End file.
